Apple tasting notes | How 14 random apples from Safeway compare

We’re back at it, fools. Ready to taste apples vicariously through my words and photos? I recommend you actually try it for yourself, but feel free to buckle up and come with me on this journey here.

Fun fact: Props to my Instacart pal who got my note and ran with it—I let them know I wanted to try one of each apple and they found unique replacements!

Pazazz

Branding: The typeface is that one what says “I’m so kitsch and vintage”. Normally seen with sparkles and the word marvellous. The slogans are varied. Life is best lived with Pazazz, which means many of us have not been living our best lives. Life gets more colorful with Pazazz, which I suppose is literally true if you have no red. Apparently it’s a descendent of the Honeycrisp and has a famous crunch. My favourite bit of copy was:

When you find your Pazazz, everyday moments become vibrant and special.

Oh boy. One wonders, how can I find just my Pazazz when they’re supposed to all reliably taste the same. If I find it once, may I ever find it again?

Look: It’s very red, which honestly could put a lot of people off—red apples can be mealy or grainy. There again, it’s a beautiful shade and very much what you imagine to give to the teacher if you were a boy in England circa 1947.

Taste & crunch: I appreciated the good texture, which was decently juicy and crispy—contrary to what I expected. The flavour balance was sour, fresh, and tart. We all thought this was a great opener.

Juice: As a juice it’s fine. Softer, sweet, subtle.

Jazz

Branding: I find the most fun thing about their logo is the fact that it’s shaped like a pear. If you look up the “story” you get some slogans—not sure where the apple itself came from, but I like that deliberate (?) mystery. Just like this moment, JAZZ™ is the perfectly sized apple for those moments in between. In between what, you ask? For me, in between sleeping and waking. Also, sentences. How about you? The mix: Braeburn and Gala.

An everyday, delicious, fresh natural lift, just when you need it.

JAZZ™ Always refreshing.

Look: I was very pleased by the eyeball of this apple. Perfect hand size. Pleasing green and yellow lid. Decently freckled red. Nicely waxed.

Taste & crunch: Much sweeter than the Pazazz, immediately more red—which was interesting since it’s actually less red. As far as crunch, it was a little disappointing: grainier, softer, and not v crunchy. We decided it’d be great in a pie.

Envy

Branding: An apple for the elegant, discerning fruit enjoyer. One can see on their website how the logo employs a fancy calligraphy apple. If you’re still not convinced, consider their tagline:

When you’re this good, they call you Envy. Bite & Believe.

I love apple marketing. Check this out:

It’s an apple grown for our busy, modern lives. A pure and pristine apple that’s a genuine work of orchard-growing genius. And one you can enjoy just about anywhere.

Envy. A break away from the everyday.

Let’s consider, “just about anywhere”. I like to imagine they wanted to claim “anywhere”, but their legal team preferred to remain on the side of caution. Afterall, no one casually enjoys apples inside of a human-sized ant farm, even if that counts as a break away from the everyday.

Look: Decent and sizeable. To me, nondescript.

Taste & crunch: It’s sweet and light in flavour with a wonderfully light grain and perfect crunch. Quite perfect. We felt it’d be fresh and juicy and bright enough for a salad.

???

Branding: It’s a mystery. I think it was a Honeycrisp or Gala of some kind, due to the receipt, but this one had no label.

Look: Chonky looking branch there, pal.

Taste & crunch: Honestly, this one had no winning features. Grain was meh. Not crisp. Not tart.

Golden Delicious

Branding (history): It’s a chance seedling, which means we don’t super know what its origins are—possibly a hybrid of Grimes Golden and Golden Reinette. The original tree was from Clay County, West Virginia, 1905. Oh, so did you know, every apple is a clone from an original tree? Yes. The science of genetics basically means that to recreate the exact same kind of apple requires taking a cutting to grow a tree from the original tree. You’re biting into a lot of history when you bite into a Golden Delicious, friends.

Look: You know the one. It’s that uniform, classic yellow, light freckling, and honestly distinct compared to all other apples.

Taste & crunch: You’ll appreciate the flavour so much more when you’re deliberately comparing, I swear. After all these red-leaning apples, a bite of this one was suddenly like a cup of Earl Grey. It was sweet, tart, floral. Light grain. OK crisp. Nuanced flavour. Good all by itself just because.

Juice: Very green and slightly sweet.

Pink Lady

Branding: Unsurprisingly, pink. Clearly aimed at the stereotype of a woman—she’s carefree, wears a light oversized shirt that flows in the wind, rides a bicycle with a basket, and such. Perhaps she soccers. This apple mixes Cripps Pink with Lady Williams, I think. The website proffers but three statements: a benefit, a tagline, and a slogan. At least that’s what I assume these are supposed to be.

Sun ripened longer

Nothing compares to Pink Lady

It’s my apple

It’s my apple. An aggressive stance—and she has to be in this day and age. Don’t you dare get it twisted.

Look: Sweet. Cute. Nice hint of green. I’m into it.

Taste & crunch: No doubt, it has a unique flavour. It’s tart, and sweet, and I’m a fan. However. I did not enjoy the super soft grain. I believe they call it, “mealy”. Mealy! Let’s say it’s right for salads, snacks, and a little cheese.

Juice: Too sugary! Not a massive fan.

Fuji

Branding (history): As you probably have already guessed, this apple is from Japan. It’s a mix of Red Delicious and Virginia Ralls Genet. It’s now one of the 15 most popular cultivars in the US and was first created in the 1930s.

Look: Light and freckled and not quite red or green or yellow.

Taste & crunch: Sweet and gentle. Let’s say soft and earthy and just a slight little grain. It didn’t stand out as great or bad, as far as I can recall. A robust enough crunch and crisp.

Gala

Branding (history): Here’s another famous, favourite cultivar of apple—one so popular it surpassed Red Delicious production in 2018. This was the first time any other apple had in 50 years, apparently. It’s a mix of Golden Delicious and a Kidd's Orange Red.

Look: The stereotype of an apple, I suppose? Mostly red with a dash of yellow.

Taste & crunch: Personally, my least favourite. It was sweet, very soft and grainy, and honestly tasted like it would be gorgeous as a sauce or pie filling rather than as a raw bite. No crunch.

Granny Smith

Branding (history): Another chance seedling! So who knows where she truly comes from, though we do know from whom her name derives. It was cultivated in Australia and named after Maria Ann Smith, who was given the nickname “Granny” in her later years. Apparently, as far as one legend goes, she was testing crab apples and throwing the cores out the window—from a chance seedling grew these gorgeous apples. It has all the colour of a cooking apple, yet sweet, not too tart, and crisp. They make for excellent baking apples.

Look: You know it. Such a gorgeous thing to look at.

Taste & crunch: Unreal. Definitely one of the best out there. Green, fresh, crisp, sour, tart—very acidic. You can tell it was a cooking apple in another life, in my opinion. It has an awesome crunch, but the skin lingers.

Juice: The actual taste of sour green apple candy.

Honeycrisp

Branding (history): These apples were developed in the ‘70s and finally released in the ‘90s. The were going to be discarded, but have since become beloved as being perfect to be eaten raw. They’re a mix of Macoun and Honeygold and apparently they have larger cells than most cultivars, which is correlated with juiciness—more of them rupture when bitten. Wowsers.

Look: It’s huge and looks like a cooking apple with red blush. Lovely freckles.

Taste & crunch: It smells great—very floral on open. I loved how juicy, crispy, and watery it was. The apple taste was perfectly balanced. The perfect crunch, perfect juice, and wonderful taste. Absolutely one of my favorites.

Ambrosia Gold

Branding: As you can imagine, they describe this apple as “sweet & crisp with hints of honey”. Love the story about the Mcdougall family of men being determined to “produce the best-tasting fruit imaginable”. You can download their app for a special surprise—alas, the app doesn’t exist anymore.

Sweet as honey.
Pretty as sunshine.™

Good job they TM-d that phrase, because they’re premium country lyrics, them.

Look: Nice and classic, but could easily be a

Taste & crunch: It was gentle, sweet, and honey—as promised. Has a good juice and a good crisp.

Kanzi

Branding: Their website invites you to feel the Kanzi® beat, which you can only do via video media until you buy one for yourself. They have a fantastic graphic of the apple with what I’m dubbing a “flavour splash” behind it. The birth of Kanzi happened in 2004. In 2005 they ran a campaign called Seductive by Nature. Ten years later, their campaign Seduce Life was born. Kanzi is the sexpot of the apple world.

Rejuvenating energy fueling your mind and body.

Life never stops. Each day, each moment, is an opportunity to make a choice and take a stand – for delightful days and healthier living.

We believe that life should be enjoyed and explored. So we seize the day with passion and live life to the full – we seduce life – a crunchy, sweet-tart, juicy and flavorful kind of life.

Bonus: the website has the instructions How to become a Kanzi apple.

We nurture your lust for life – and have since 2004.

Not enough blog for my thoughts on this landing page content.

Look: Fine. Cute in red and yellow but not distinct.

Taste & crunch: Another candidate for the perfect balance in taste. It was sweet, tart, lightly floral, but still juicy. The seduction said campaigns promised did not come to fruition.

Cosmic Crisp

Branding: Before you ask, IT’S MORE THAN AN APPLE, IT’S AN INSPIRATION.

Let that soak in.

It’s also the “apple you’ve been dreaming of”. This apple is the result of 20 years of study at Washington State and they even have a newsletter (!) for “all chefs, astronauts, science nerds, dreamers, and overall apple lovers!”

I signed up because I can’t imagine what their content will be.

Look: Dappled red and yellow, large, and normal.

Taste & crunch: A little more on the tart side. Has a great bite—very satisfying. Had the best juice of them all and was perfectly crispy. Softer ish.

Sugarbee

Branding: This perfect premium apple is the new buzz! they say. I am a huge fan of their listed benefits on the website, including that the “Honeycrisp parentage creates assumed familiarity with the consumer”. Do they assume? Or do I? When does this happen? Also, the “creamy white” flesh (paradox?) and red blush skin that ranges from 30–100%. The tagline naturally fits with their bee branding.

“Oh honey, that’s good!”

Get it?

I hate the weird bee.

Look: Red and plump.

Taste & crunch: Subtle floral flavour. Very sweet—you can taste the red. Had a decent crisp, but not as kapow as the Cosmic Crisp or the Honeycrisp.

Juice: Very sweet and red flavoured.